Yeast the Beast

(A message from a vagina that cares)

With my 36th birthday just around the corner and having been blessed with a womb, I’ve had to contend with a few yeast infections along the road. I can safely report that the experience is always cumbersome, and to date I am still vague about why this phenomenon occurs. However, my most recent affliction has shed some interesting light on this vaginal dweller, and I happily pass on the wisdom to you.

My doctor solemnly told me “it’s an aggressive yeast.” I was unaware they had personalities but apparently, this time I was unlucky enough to be paired with a real grouch. And anyway, what did aggressive mean? Did it push other weaker yeasts out of the way? Did it have a short temper? Did it yell and punch holes in walls like beefed up steroid slurping dudes?

She also ordered me to stay off the sugar, saying the sweets irritated the yeast. “I’m not applying it topically!” I yelled back, indignantly. Apparently, my aggressive womb-mate shared a propensity for sugar, which literally made it flourish, kinda like us humans gaining weight when binging on the stuff. Well, at least we had that in common. Maybe beast wasn’t all bad. It obviously had good taste.

After prescribing a host of medicines for every single orifice, she threw a box of probiotics at me. I was bewildered. “These will help, having bad gut flora is sometimes tied to infections.” There. At least I learnt something new from this unfair liaison. It seems having the beast was akin to being trapped in a bad relationship. Everything I said or did could inflame the situation and I had to be very cautious until I was able to make my silent escape.

“So why does this happen from time to time?” I asked. A valid question; every single site on the topic lists reasons as vague as the number zero. But I soon learned that the beast’s dating criteria truly was vast. Things such as synthetic clothing, stress, a fever, those 11 donuts you nibbled on before din din, all or one of these could render you fatally attractive to a single desperate yeast.

Thus, if you are paired with an aggressive yeast, follow these simple steps to freedom (also effective on leech-like SOs): act natural but silently slip it medication. Once it is heavily drugged, wait patiently for it to fall dormant. During this time avoid the sugar; it can sense its presence. Finally, make your exit, and proceed with a happy and prescribed-medication free life.

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