Let’s face it; there is a great social divide, clearly demarcated by a thick trail of dancing grey fumes. Society has embraced this and has divided cities and territories into smoking and non-smoking areas. I used to be a smoker myself and while I never minded being herded into small spots to suck on my fag, I never realized how annoying being on the other side of the fence would be.

Since I quit and got my sense of smell back, I am constantly astounded by how desensitized smokers are to the unbearable stench. Even when I was a smoker back in the day, I was always painfully aware of where the trail of dancing fumes went from my cigarette, and I put in an effort to not let it wind up in someone’s face. It seemed like a common sense and minimally-courteous thing to do. Now that I am on the other side of the fence, I am appalled by the sheer lack of decency out there. It’s almost as if most of them believe that if I could just get a decent whiff of that sweet carcinogenic stench, I’ll fall to my knees in rapture and convert on the spot.

During our lunch break, I have literally seen (for the sake of clarity, let’s say people) light one cigarette with another, lest they should tarnish their lungs by breathing lone oxygen for a second. I mean, who the fuck wants plain oxygen when you can enhance the breathing experience with some Acetaldehyde, Arsenic and some yummy chunks of Beryllium? I’m always left wondering “why don’t they just set themselves on fire and get it over with?” It wouldn’t be the first instance in history. At least this way, you could really light up a conversation.

I find it extremely unfair that some outdoor spots become uninhabitable for non-smokers because the cancer chasers flock in groups to the ashtrays. It’s not fair that I have to stay inside and miss great weather because you keep trying to barbeque your lungs. I think non-smokers should be allowed to walk around with methane-farting cows, which would help us maintain a boundary in outdoor areas. I’d choose methane over cigarette smoke anyways, and let’s face it, cows are cute.

Some people smoke only to get out of the office for breaks. To these I offer the following advice: go for a walk. Help out by licking the toilets clean. Anything you choose will be better for your health. And if you’re that desperate to put something in your mouth, I have many suggestions.

Then there are the night crawlers, who roam around socializing with a drink in one hand and a torch in another. I don’t care how inebriated you are, if you burn me, I should get to return the favor. Why are you branding me? Did you win me in a bet behind the scenes that I am unaware of? Approaching someone with a cigarette is also not sexy. “I burn for you baby,” doesn’t work when you’re actually burning my eyes.

The only thing I can say I appreciate about smoking is the oral activity. I mean, anyone that committed to always having something in their mouths wins some of my respect. Hats off to your insatiable and misplaced yearnings.